My Fascination With Precious Metals & Superlatives

I think that software companies should be required to choose at least two precious metals/superlatives when describing their wares. It should be kind of like calling every new flavor of thing “extreme,” but more intense and exciting. When I see Trend Antivirus Plus, I can’t possibly know what that product does – can’t do it. But, add in something like Gold, and you get Trend Antivirus Plus, Gold Edition. NOW I can kind of understand what it does. It must, I don’t know, do something really good (because it’s gold) with, virus things. Still can’t be sure if it maybe gives you viruses, or maybe takes them away – I don’t know, I only know it is good at what it does because of the “gold” in the name. What if it was Trend Security Gold? Security is always good, so that is a better name. But Gold? I don’t know, I have a gold ring, and so do most people I bet. Gold doesn’t even seem special anymore. What about Titanium? That is even better, I could almost get behind Trend Titanium Security. My computer would be so shiny and secure, nothing could get in! Or could it? Maybe if I knew it couldn’t get any better. Hmmmm… How about adding that superlative? Let’s get Maximum in there somehow. How about Trend Titanium Maximum Security! Yes! A thing could not get any better at what it was doing than if it was called that. Oh wait, what about Premium? Is that better than Maximum. Now I am confused. Premium is the best kind of gas, but I though maximum was the very top level that could be achieved. And what if I find an Ultimate version of the same product? Maybe if they could sell me Trend Titanium Premium Maximum Total Security Suite, Diamond Edition, I could sleep at night. Nah, I’d still have some doubt. I mean, they didn’t even mention any of the Lanthanides or Actinides. Another sleepless night…


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I feel that I may have coined that term: MicroSlams. Maybe not, but let’s pretend Google does not exist and nobody can check up on it.

So, a MicroSlam is when someone, usually a blogger or commenter, uses an alternate spelling of Microsoft that really sticks it to the company. Ya know – really gives the multibillion dollar company the business. Maybe even zings Bill Gates directly. They’re kind of like the pictures of Calvin from Calvin and Hobbes where he is peeing on the logos of car companies – the ones you see in the back windows or bumpers of pickup trucks. Personally, I don’t really understand either of them, but boy do I love ’em!

So I ran into one recently that I thought was simply brilliant. My guess is that it came from a former writer of Mad Magazine parodies, like maybe the guy who came up with “Flawrence of Arabia” or “Star Roars.” I tell ya, it’s hard to even type this post, because I am still doubled up with laughter. How people can be so clever, I’ll never know.

So, here it is, in all its glory:

Micr0$uck$ LoseDoze8. Nice.

But wait, there’s more. Now, some of the following are from some pretty old websites, but that just goes to show you how long this glorious pasttime has been around. Why, I wouldn’t be suprised to learn that Paul Allen heard Bill say “Microsoft” for the first time and immediately said something to the effect of, “Microsoft? More like Craprosoft! Tee Hee.” Those guys were huge jokers back in the day I bet. Here are some other nice examples:





Now, that last one comes from a very old website, but it really is worth a look. When you have some extra time on your hands, like probably now, head on over to the ol’ Microshaft Internet Exploder homepage. It’s a hoot.

Look. We all have guilty pleasures. Like enjoying the music of Air Supply or Pink. Or things we say that make us feel cool, even though we know we sound stupid. Like “dude” or “sweet.” But, from what dark region of the soul comes pleasure derived from taking multinational companies down a notch via anonymous and poorly-crafted bon mots? I have not yet read the blockbuster best-seller Fifty Shades of Grey, so perhaps there is something in there that might explain it.

I guess I don’t know why this should bother me so much. Maybe it is because mispronouncing things as a form of comedy seems to be an old-guy thing, and I fear becoming an old guy. I think it starts when you become a father. You get lazy with your comedy, because kids laugh at everything. Then your kids grow up and think you’re an idiot, but you are too weak and feeble to bring back your good stuff. Then you log onto the Internet and post something stupid because its late in the evening and your blood sugar is all funny. Then you log on again later and find out that other idiots on the internet think you are funny, and add more funny things to your post. Then its all over…

My Hotloaded OS

So, I am looking at different brands of computers, and my intern tells me to look at Acer and some other “pretend” computer companies that nerds will say are just as good as other companies because the parts in them are all the same and why would I pay extra money for the words Dell or HP on the front. Then the geeks or old dudes with beards will say that you’re an idiot if you don’t build your own because you’re not smart enough to pick the best components for like nothing on the eBay.

Anyway, Acer keeps touting the following:

“Genuine Windows 7 Professional 32 bit – Genuine Windows7 Professional 64 bit – (Dual-hotloaded OS)

My question is, what the heck is that, and why do I need it? No, the real question is, doesn’t a “Dual-hotloaded OS” sound super sexy? The answer is yes, and when can I get me some?

For more information on hotloading things in pairs, please contact Acer directly. I assume they can hotload other things dual-ly as well. I mean, clearly they have the technology…

Welcome to the Jungle

And by “jungle,” I mean this website. And by “welcome,” I mean if you have to be here, I guess that’s fine. So let’s begin. We are the I.T. Machine, and we mean business. Computer business. Like cables, drives, RAM, microprocessors, macroprocessors, food processors – the whole shootin’ match. And why wouldn’t it be? How many of you can say you were there when they built the pyramids? Or the Taj Mahal? Or the Denny’s? I agree – it would take too long. But, if you want something done right, you have to lace both shoes, one after the other.

In conclusion, I think we can all agree that this is the beginning of something – the beginning of something real, something concrete – substantial. And if time proves to be the cruel master so many of us suspect, then so be it. Without the adventure, life is simply the passage of time. And possibly gas. Not the passage of gas, but simply its existence. Or not – you decide.