Lost in the Cloud

I don’t know if most people do this or not, but I always kind of try to do a daily check of whether I have become ‘this old guy.” (I suppose if you are a woman, it is much less likely that you ask yourself that question.) As in, “This old guy thinks Twitter is stupid,” or “This old guy doesn’t want to move all his clients’ data to the cloud,” or “This old guy smells.” I know from experience that things like Twitter, FaceBook and the cloud are scary to most adults over the age of 40, and I don’t want to belong to that group. However, I am completely unwilling to embrace them, because I grew up in the 80s and embraced things like rolled pant legs and boat shoes with no socks, and that didn’t make those things any less stupid. I fully understand what people are doing with the new technologies and apps and what have you, I just think that some of them need to be lumped in the same bin as the boat shoes. The technologies and apps I mean, not the people. I seldom put actual people into bins of any sort.

So, for the cloud, I have a harder time defining the line between my general crotchitiness and my genuine distrust of things. I can see many benefits to storing things in and running applications from the cloud, but I can also see some issues, just like everybody else. But what really bugs me is that no one really understands what the cloud is. Smart people. People I like. One of the companies I work for is considering starting to store some documents with a database provider they use. (They are starting to consider this WITHOUT EVEN INVOLVING I.T., which might be my bigger issue) I brought up the fact that, deciding to send files outside the front door might mean having to get and pay for a bigger door. And people did not know why. That is kind of when it occurred to me that many people don’t understand where the cloud is. Everyone understands that the Internet is outside the door, and the cloud is really just the internet (as far as most people would be concerned) at this point, but people apparently don’t get that.

So, I have decide to channel my ire at the people who coined the term “the cloud” or “cloud computing.” I’m looking at you, M.I.T. nerds… or some guys in a business park in Houston… or Google CEO Eric Schmidt. Well, whoever did it, thanks a lot. You’ve confused most of the people I work with.

My Hotloaded OS

So, I am looking at different brands of computers, and my intern tells me to look at Acer and some other “pretend” computer companies that nerds will say are just as good as other companies because the parts in them are all the same and why would I pay extra money for the words Dell or HP on the front. Then the geeks or old dudes with beards will say that you’re an idiot if you don’t build your own because you’re not smart enough to pick the best components for like nothing on the eBay.

Anyway, Acer keeps touting the following:

“Genuine Windows 7 Professional 32 bit – Genuine Windows7 Professional 64 bit – (Dual-hotloaded OS)

My question is, what the heck is that, and why do I need it? No, the real question is, doesn’t a “Dual-hotloaded OS” sound super sexy? The answer is yes, and when can I get me some?

For more information on hotloading things in pairs, please contact Acer directly. I assume they can hotload other things dual-ly as well. I mean, clearly they have the technology…

Android Mail crApp

So, Google needs to get its act together. Anyone who supports Android devices in a Microsoft Exchange environment has to hate them. I have no idea if Ice Cream Sandwich, or possibly the upcoming Fudgesicle release, or even the rumored Bomb Pop OS revamp will have a better integrated mail app, but the phones and tablets I get to see have a stupid broken one that sometime works, sometimes doesn’t and sometimes does and then later doesn’t. I end up having to buy a third-party app to consistently connect to Exchange servers. We have Exchange 2003, 2007 BPOS and 365 environments, and the Android phones are hit and miss in all of them. iPhones are great – have been for years. New Windows phones are great too. And, I have to think that has to do with the amount of control Apple and Microsoft have over their respective phone/OS combos. I have not been a huge fan of companies exerting the type of control that Apple does over everything, I guess kind of from a philosophical perspective. But when it comes to phones, I can drop my philosophy. A phone is an appliance, kind of like a toaster – at least more so than a computer. Apple and Microsoft give us a toaster and tell us to make toast with it. Google gives us a metal box and some wires and tells us to string the wires inside the box, then make toast. Actually, this is a horrible analogy and I don’t want to continue with it. How about this: Apple and Microsoft provide a fully-assembled P51 Mustang, and Google gives us the kit. And sometimes, when we put the kit together, the glue fumes are too much, and the model looks kinda funny when we are done. No, this is also an obscure and weird analogy. You know, I guess I am going to leave the analogies up to the reader(s) and just stop typing.

Nokia Lumia 900 Selling Faster Than They Can Be Sold

I just read the following on eWeek.com:

Nokia is selling Lumia 900 smartphones faster than it can sell them, Chris Weber, Nokia’s U.S. president, told PC Magazine at this week’s CTIA Wireless show in New Orleans.

I have to be honest, after I read that, I stopped reading, because there really couldn’t be anything more stunning that what had already been said. Now, I will admit, I like Windows Phone – I really do. I think Windows phones are the best option out there right now, kinda even edging out the iPhone. But who cares? Not only, who cares what I think about Windows or any other phones, but who cares about anything else other than THE NEWLY DISCOVERED ABILITY TO SELL THINGS FASTER THAN THEY CAN BE SOLD!?! This Chris Weber guy, aside from being a pretty decent basketball player, has opened the door to untold wealth for everyone. I’m not a math wiz, but let me see if I have this right. Let’s say I can sell 100 hamburgers in an hour, and I make $1.00 per hamburger. That means, in the past, I could make a maximum of $100 per hour at my hamburgery. Now, with this new Nokia technology, I will be able to sell more than that, even though I can only sell 100. So, that puts me over 100%, which is impossible except in sports. So, and correct me if I am wrong, but if you multiply by something bigger than 100%, it’s kinda like dividing by zero, and you get some sort of error. BUT, if it is dollars, it goes to infinity or something, so theoretically I would have an infinite amount of money, right? You know, now that I am writing this all down, I think maybe it doesn’t make all that much sense. But don’t ruin my moment – I am going to go sell more of something than I can sell and see what happens.

Look it up on the Internet

I hate to be the guy that tells you how the magician does the ‘magic,’ but there is a secret in the I.T. community, and I can’t hold it in any longer. This is going to shock the world, but here goes: I.T. people don’t know the answer to every computer question within 5 seconds of being asked. Shocked? Appalled? Well I’m not even finished. Here is bomb number two: when we don’t know the answer to something, we Google it. All of us. Are you still standing? Pining for the fjords? I’ve got one more to lay on you: you can use Google too. It’s free, and lots of times, it gives you the answer to your question in the first result. I know, I know, MIND. BLOWN.

Now, I know that sometimes when it comes to computer stuff, the answer isn’t always much help unless you have ensconced yourself in the digital milieu, but give it a shot. And, as an added bonus, Google can tell you things about non-computer things too, like dirt, bibs or even wax. So get out there, and start spending more time on the Internet!


I would like to save you some time. When you have a problem, reboot and see if it goes away. And I am not talking soley about computers. Phones too. Shut them down, all the way down, then start them again. Your car. Weird noise? Turn off the car, then turn it on again. Yourself. Go take a nap, then get up and try again. There is almost nothing in life that is not made better by rebooting.

Welcome to the Jungle

And by “jungle,” I mean this website. And by “welcome,” I mean if you have to be here, I guess that’s fine. So let’s begin. We are the I.T. Machine, and we mean business. Computer business. Like cables, drives, RAM, microprocessors, macroprocessors, food processors – the whole shootin’ match. And why wouldn’t it be? How many of you can say you were there when they built the pyramids? Or the Taj Mahal? Or the Denny’s? I agree – it would take too long. But, if you want something done right, you have to lace both shoes, one after the other.

In conclusion, I think we can all agree that this is the beginning of something – the beginning of something real, something concrete – substantial. And if time proves to be the cruel master so many of us suspect, then so be it. Without the adventure, life is simply the passage of time. And possibly gas. Not the passage of gas, but simply its existence. Or not – you decide.